It was 2022, and I got curious. What actually led to my decision to watch Cats (2019) is forgotten to the sands of time, but I realized about 10 minutes in that I was going to need some herbal help to get through it. So I got wasted and continued to subject myself to this rotten 19% experience. Curiosity did not, in fact, kill me, but it certainly tried its damnedest.
I was posting about it on Facebook as I watched, so I’ve included comments from friends who were following along as I watched it (because my friends are hilarious); these are denoted with their initials. Unannotated comments are mine.
- OH GOD IT’S FUCKING CREEPY.
- The CGI, it burnsssssss usssss
- ED: I’ve managed to skip this totally. Cats was my 3rd in person Broadway play.
- I’ve never actually seen it on the stage so even though I know this movie is terrible, I still wanted to see it for the story, because I’ve heard the story is pants-on-head as well.
- DS: my parents bought a copy of the Les Mis cast recording when they saw it on an early tour and played it in the car so often that my sister and I had it memorized by the time we were in kindergarten and 3rd grade, respectively. When commercials for Les Mis touring to our area started, we insisted they take us. I wish I had a video of the old women in the seats next to us as my sister and I mouthed along to every word in “Lovely Ladies” and “Master of the House.” Our folks were so pleased with our response that they took us to CATS later in the season and I spent the entire intermission complaining about how it’s a good thing they took us to Les Mis first, because if I thought all musicals were like CATS, I’d never want to see one again.
- DS: but if you think CATS is weird and terrible (it is), wait ’til you learn about Webber’s musical about horny trains
- DS: was this the butthole cut or the fixed one?
- I haven’t seen a butthole yet.
- LOLOLOLOL “the job of editing out all of the buttholes was ultimately left to one crew member who was hired specifically to excise unintended buttholes”
- DS: here’s one of the better background pieces on it, with bonus butthole version trailer https://www.polygon.com/2020/4/6/21207710/cats-release-the-butthole-cut
- DS: there actually was a rushed re-release of “improved” CGI after the first few days to “fix” the initial release. https://screenrant.com/cats-movie-cgi-rerelease-bad-worse/
- DS: which is particularly funny because the original release was itself “fixed” after the trailer was panned (yes, I know waaaay too much about this absolutely horrifying movie) https://www.cinemablend.com/news/2485783/cats-controversial-cgi-changed-after-viral-online-response
- GAH THE MICE
- I’m already losing interest. The CGI is creeping me out, and I don’t care about any of these fucking cats.
- The cat puns are killing me.
- I expected to be able to laugh at how bad this movie is, but it honestly isn’t even funny bad. It’s just bad bad.
- DS: did you not take edibles?
- Sadly no, but I’m strongly considering vaping to make it through the rest.
- DS: it’s the only way. I had intended to take edibles with me but screwed up and brought flower, so I just got drunk at Trillium before the show instead. It should not be watched without some kind of chemical assistance, IMO
- WOO WOO, all aboard the Pineapple Express! That should be better in a few minutes.
- MW: Kate needs more weed.
- WTF just happened? The wanted cat just meowed Rebel Wilson out of existence?
- Is there anything they *didn’t* CGI in this goddamn movie?
- DS: a plot?
- That legit made me LOL. Bravo!
- KE: I’m just gonna drop this here https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/jason-derulo-cats-penis-928006/
- WTF is this wispy asshole pissed off about?
- Is this dollar store Robert Downey Jr. the leader or an elder or something?
- I’m sorry, what kind of cats were they again? I didn’t quite catch that name.
- STAHP WITH THE “JELLICLE” CRAP.
- Number of buttholes found so far: 0
- How the HELL did they get Judy Dench and Ian McKellen to be in this steaming pile of excrement?
- What in the everloving Lion King is this weird dance? Why are they being so awkward and creepy to the new cat?
- Why are they so mean to that one cat?
- Of COURSE she’s a ballerina. Only the whitest cats get to be ballerinas. https://www.marieclaire.com/culture/a36187044/turning-pointe-book-ballet-racism/
- Ohhhhh I just made me sad.
- Oof. This is a *rough* version of Memory. She’s got a gorgeous voice, but I’m not digging it.
- <loudwhisper>I DON’T WANT TO SPOIL IT FOR YOU, BUT I THINK THESE CATS ARE REALLY PEOPLE
- Why are these cats wearing fur coats? 🙁
- I REFUSE TO BELIEVE I JUST SAW SIR IAN MCKELLAN RUB HIMSELF AGAINST A PILLAR
- The ears are freakin’ me out, man.
- That old lady cat is totally digging on Gandalf cat.
- No, please stop meowing. 🙁
- NOOOOO GANDALF CAT
- What in the Shining Time Station is up with this tap dancing train conductor?
- 1/5 of the Village People?
- Why does he have pants but no shirt?
- Where the hell did he go?
- JY: Side note: “What in the Shining Time Station” is excellent.
- (that’s some pretty damn good tapping tho)
- COME ON TROLLEY PROBLEM
- DS: I guffawed
- The shit? Did this just turn into a rave?
- Ok, I can get behind this Taylor Swift cat.
- I still don’t understand why this guy is so mad.
- OH SHIT THAT’S IDRIS ELBA
- I was not prepared for the neck rubbing.
- Wait, the top hat dude is the love interest? Not the Robert Downey Jr. knockoff?
- OMG DID REBEL WILSON CAT JUST UNZIP HER SKIN OFF
- DS: I will never recover from that.
- oh god make the nuzzling stop
- I still don’t understand why no one likes this one cat.
- I can’t stop staring at their eyebrows.
- Oh hot damn, this song just got like 3000% better. This one cat can really belt it out!
- That one cat really wants to die, huh?
- The boogers… lol
- Wait, is Judy Dench singing at me?
- Well, good thing Judy Dench told me that cats aren’t dogs. I was always so confused.
- WTF did that balloon go?
- OH THANK GOD IT’S OVER
- Why could the bad cat misty step?
- I have so many questions.
- MJ: I like Cats but refuse to watch this version. Andrew Lloyd Webber released a perfectly good stage version on DVD.
- JY: I’m so glad I went to bed when I did.
- JY: It was *her idea* to watch it, knowing full well I was going to bed.
- JY: Besides, as a backwards justification, I know she loves disaster movies and this is just playing with the semantics of what that entails.
- PB: 10/10 Would read thread again
- JS: Heard from the head of the studio “we shouldn’t have made that piece of sh*t.”
- BA: Now imagine what it would be like to have the “cats” jump out of the TV and dance right next to you. That’s pretty much the stage show experience right there.
- DS: ha, even worse, they dance AT you
- SR: Assinine show but it has some beautiful songs.
- AA: The buttholes
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